Precomtemplation stage

So, here I am again, crapping some nonesense stuff and not studying. I met my counselor again this morning. Telling her about my feelings throughout the weeks. The advice she gave me was extremely useful (at least at this stage). Everything that she said seems so true. one thing that i have to realise about is that, no matter what i do, no matter what i think, it's not gonna bring me back to the history. Its over basically. I should take it as a break up, a loss and thats all. People lose something all the time. It could be in terms of friendship, relationship, girl friend, boy friend, a child may lose his toys, the adults may lose in gambling, a celebrity may lose her privacy, a pornstar may lose her dignity, a kid may lose his parents due to a car accident, a wife may lose his husband due to lung cancer.. anything! any kind of lost. and its so important to realise that people just keep moving on, accomplish what needs to be accomplished. and for me, its jkust a loss of friend, a very trusted one. whats the point of missing someone that doesnt even know your existance anyway? after all, I am only 21, 60 years of life need to go through. 2 years of friendship is only 2.5% of my entire life years.. Just let it go, and move on... to all out there, trust me, its not worth thinking about someone that prefers to lose you. p/s. to be honest, I am still working hard to totally not care about how they look at me, why on earth he prefers to lose me as friends, and why does it seem so easy for him to make that decision. after all, i swear i havent done anything wrong to him. even if i did, i WASNT ON PURPOSE and DIDNT MEAN IT AT ALL. p/s, to my friend: If it happens that you read my words, I just want to tell u that you are a nice person. its just that sometimes you may be a bit too sensitive. please dont be. make sure u understand the fact that if someone says something that may offend you one day, doesnt mean that they do it on purpose. conversation can happen in many different ways. I am pretty sure they didnt mean what u think it means. words just come off mouth spontaneously and they are unplanned sometimes. they are just jokes. I do hope that u would find some better friends to be with, study and have fun together. and i promise I wont talk to you if unecessary. Good luck in your studies :)

defering the test

With the supports from my counselor, I finally made up my mind of defering my Pharmacology test. It was a big decision for me. I emailed my course coordinator yesterday and got approved. I woke up this morningand was 11.30. I doubted the fact that whether or not i should be defering the test. It's gonna be my first time of doing so. it's 1.45 now and i am in city west campus, still wondering if i should be heading to the east to sit for the 3pm test. I am so nervous, so lost, and dont know what should i really be doing. I am not sure if this is the best choice for me. I discussed with my sister last night and the made a point:'since i am not ready for the test, whats the point of worrying the fact that I am not gonna sit for the test?" I keep reminding myself that even if i do go to have the assessment that will be held at 3, I wouldn't ace it. but, things dont seem to be that easy though. I am just worrying about the fact that the deferred test would be much harder than the actual one. Should I leave city west and head to the exam hall now? I can't believe that this is me. This is so not me! I used to be strong, and confident in any assessments. whhat happened to me this time? I am so lost.

A depressing Sunday morning

I thought I would have already gotten better mentally yesterday. I woke up this morning, a sudden intensed feeling ran through my mind. I thought of the limpid moments of me and my friend being together, studying,and doing fun stuff together.I am just out of control. I do realise and keep reminding myself that its already over. But everything just happened too sudden and i wasnt prepared for it at all. I tried to pull myself up, saying to myself that I am stil far behind interms of studies. I will be having a test on this tuesday, yet, this is my first time of saying "I am not ready still", and i am still blogging. the worse thing, as suggested by my counsellor, is to postpone the test, again this is gonna be my first time of differing my test. really, i dont know what the correct path i should be heading. I am risking myself of taking the road that hasnt been taken. I have got no family members here in Adelaide to give me supports. I have got no one that i could talk to in person. I am all by myself. Lets just hope that my psychotic behaviour would resolve soon. I am tired. too tired.

its just a break-up

It is apparent that the whole family members of mine are worrying about my current status. I can't do anything to help myself, really. Their images pop up in my mind involunteraly, shadows keep appearing next to me. I swear I don't think of them on purpose. i just couldnt control myself for having that intensed feeling of breaking up with friends, afterall, they are the ones that have gone through the ups and downs together. afterall, I used to treat him as my best uni buddy, the most trusted one, and really to be honest, i still do; because i believe he has his own good reasons for doing so. I believe he is innocent, blinded by a sheet of black curtain (don't seek for forgiveness if one day u do realise that i havent done anything wrong to u, because u are my friend, a close one; and friends dont need forgiveness to be friends. (dunno how to word my sentences) Nothing that i can do much, really. I am just hoping the time to pass, and hopefully, one day i will stop concerning about this innocent break up. thats true. it just a break-up, a friendship break up. psychological counselling really did help (thanks Angela, my counsellor). and now i started to believe in the power of science in altering people's thinking. after all, almost everyone experiences break-ups in their lives - friendship, keenship, even relationship). Even if mine is considered as a relationship break up, I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES???? BILLIONS OF THEM DO! one question that really lingers in my mind: why on earth is my feeling that intensed, and seems even more intensed than that of Rose losing Jack in the Titanic? Next approach: exam is coming soon. How if this persists? I have talked to my counsellor before. and she is willing to refer me to a psychiatrist (yes, i have been diagnosed with post-intermediate stage of depression). lets hope for the real Me to return, back to my normal life. God, please hold my hands, guide me through these hard times.

I texted my mum:'so sad that there are so many things that tend to itnerfere my mood to study. I love studying. why are there obstacles all around" A reply from a supportive mother throiugh email. "Vin, to be a successful person is not only by being good in yr study. There are many more areas in life that can create a person to be successful. One of the ingredients is “happiness” So search for peace and happiness in life. Otherwise u will have frowned face everyday. Put on a cheerful look before u leave the house. Smile at everybody when u meet them. U will be surprise ppl will smile back at you. Vin, don’t say negative and unhappy words when you are awake. Don’t say hurtful words that can make you down. Why let external forces control yr mood? You got to put yrself in control then only you can be rational. Ma know it easy to say than done. But have you tried? How much effort you put to make yr life happy? Why let yr mood control yr emotional?? Alvin , hv you ever ask, why are u like that? Why others are not like that? CHANGE is the key word. We change our mood by occupying our time with positive things to do and think. Pls Alvin , u got to put in effort to make your life worthwhile. Otherwise life is meaningless. Vin, it not easy to be a human being. Look at yr dad. He help others and in return, others look up upon him. Even other races take up their hand to yr dad. I saw that yesterday. An Indian man in the education dept even told me how yr dad help others. And he said because of his good deeds, all dad children are doing good. Its not easy to get a child to says that he loves to study like what u told me. Ma very happy to hear it. But u got to find and create the other part of yr life that is ‘HAPPINESS.” You must search for it Alvin . It is not hard to find. Its your way of “perception” on others. Ma told you yesterday. Create new friends. Learn to love and trust friends. U shd show love then u will be showered with love too. U cannot put yrself in a cubicle. Open up the box and look outside. Vin, ma don’t ask much from you. If you cld open up yr heart, learn to trust ppl, ma wld be happy. Yes, the only way to change is to attend church. Go with Gerald. You will find peace after a few session. Give a try. Ma wish you good luck. questions: Where is my happiness? where can i obtain it from? What is peace? where is peacefull? H2O2 lecture hall? brookman library? computer pool? where else? state library? They are all in my way through.